updates

It's been long since i last updated about my life.

Finally for now I am partially free of extra-curricular activities.
But somehow I missed that life.
In this one month I played tennis and squash for my house. Even though I didn't win and didn't contribute much, I am sure I tried my best. And this self-assurance is more satisfying than actually winning.
I played squash once or twice before in my matriculation college. They used to provide us with squash rackets and squash balls. But I wasn't coached, hence I just used my tennis skills to hit the squash ball, which didn't turn out very well.

Last month, I was sort of pulled into the squash team and was thankfully trained by an awesome friend. He is very patient and encouraged me to continue playing, despite of how badly I did. But ya, I really did had a sweet time in squash team. Even though it's just one short week, I had lots of fun.
I made new friends too in tennis team. They were awesome people. Juniors, but our birthdays are less than one year apart. Got to know a batchmate more in depth too.

In conclusion, sports really bring people closer together. You get to see who's there for you when you are down, and who's not. I am really glad to have a bunch of supportive friends. And am really thankful to be given the opportunity to learn. After all, this could be my first and last time joining a squash tournament. Could be my last chance of joining tennis tournament too.

Come to think of it, I joined at least 4 tennis tournaments in my life. Yet I still play like a beginner. Sometimes it's just a bit sad to know that fact. But slowly I am starting to accept the fact that I am slower, and thus I need to work harder. When it comes learning new skills that involves movements, I am really really slow. Dancing, Kawat, even clinical skills, everything. And sometimes I am really upset with myself. But I know all I can do is to work harder, even if I don't want to.

We can't always choose what we want to do. And we can't always refuse to do what we don't like to do.

I love what I am studying now. I really do. But when it comes to clinical skills I really can't perform. I sort of have a phobia. I am not professional enough. I am scared of making mistakes. It's different in written exam as you can always erase what you wrote wrongly. In OSCE exams, you can't always correct what you said. Enough said, I need more confidence. And once again I am really thankful for the bunch of people there who are always willing to help. At least I know I am not alone.

These days I am getting more and more sensitive and emotional too. I have no idea why. Is it stress? Or is it hormones? I am really curious. But my tear tolerance level is getting lower these few months. I need to be more prepared for challenges. Perhaps. And not surrender so easily.

All these problems that I am facing now are somehow driving me crazy. Until the point that I diagnosed myself with bipolar disorder (a disorder which one experiences extreme sadness, and also extreme happiness from time to time). Well, it's not impossible.
I need to study more. I think I studied okay last two months and am pretty satisfied with my results even though it's not an excellent one. I tend to have lower expectations of myself after exams, which is good. :) But for now, I certainly am not studying enough. And despite of knowing that fact, I am still not in my full speed study mode. This is horrible.

What I need now is not just time. I need to find the drive to study. The passion. Where did it go? I am still searching.
Time to get back on track. I know I can get there somehow. I just need more faith. and hard work.